


a perfect and necessary darkness

by fortunedays



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced miscarriage, kim & trudy bonding, post 7.14, writers left loose plots so they're mine now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:07:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23102197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortunedays/pseuds/fortunedays
Summary: Swallowing a mouthful of apologies, Trudy feels the weight of the mug in Kim's hands as if it had hit her. The emptiness would be better.
Relationships: Kim Burgess & Trudy Platt
Comments: 7
Kudos: 29





	a perfect and necessary darkness

She isn’t sure what made her go to the district, except maybe that the walls of her apartment felt like they were closing in on her. She was sick of staring; out the window, at her battered reflection, at the wine in the glass she couldn’t make herself drink. There are unopened texts from Kevin and Hailey; missed calls from Ruzek. Doesn’t have the energy to tell them she’s okay.

Doesn’t think they’d believe her, anyway.

It’s a relief, almost, when Voight offers the undercover operation. An olive branch, a way out. His way of saying, _You need to keep busy, away from Ruzek. Catch some bad guys._ She appreciates it, truly. But she still aches too much to be convincing at anything other than what she is right now.

The muffled voices of Jay and Ruzek reach her ears from down the hall, but the bullpen is otherwise quiet. She stops in front of her desk; the days she’s been gone resulting in a small mountain of paperwork that someone tried to straighten up. She opens her left-hand drawer and pushes aside the spare set of clothes which hide the real reason, she thinks, that she’s here.

The mug is cold and, still, unused. The words, bold and bright blue, that had once embarrassed her now make her chest hurt. Adds that feeling to the list of things to regret.

“Kim.”

She looks up at the sound of her name, lacking the energy to even be startled. “Hey Sarge.”

Trudy’s watching her with the look of gentle concern that Kim has somehow received more times, she thinks, than anyone else Trudy knows. Trudy’s gaze flits to Voight’s office and back to Kim, drawing conclusions faster than Kim can form questions.

“I heard he was offering you an assignment. You’re not back already, are you?”

Kim huffs something that might’ve been a laugh, once. “I turned it down. Just came for this.” The mug feels foreign in her hand.

“Oh.” The guilt hits her then, hard and fast. Trudy remembers how embarrassed Kim had been when she’d given her the gift, and cannot reconcile it with the emptiness she sees now. Swallowing a mouthful of apologies, Trudy feels the weight of the mug in Kim’s hands as if it had hit her. The emptiness would be better. “I can take it back, if you want.”

Kim rubs her thumb across _MOM_ and doesn’t answer. She thinks of the ultrasound that she knows Ruzek has in his locker, wonders briefly if it’s still there. She’d taken hers, pinned beside her mirror, and hidden it away as soon as she’d gotten home. Almost every reminder had been put away meticulously, except for this.

Pulling her gaze back to Trudy, Kim says, “I talked to Emma.”

“The girl you saved?” Trudy clarifies, frowning at Kim’s shift in topic.

“Yeah. I had to see that she was okay. She thanked me and…tried to apologize.” She falters, then, and for the first time since Ruzek pulled her from that bathtub, Kim thinks she might cry. “She had heard me crying before Adam got me and…she—she said it was her fault that I got hurt. I kept telling her it wasn’t, but I don’t think she believed me.”

She hasn’t spoken that many consecutive words in days, and the action exhausts her. Trudy has made her way closer, and Kim can see the apology in her eyes. _Plenty of guilt to go around,_ she thinks.

“I know _you_ won’t believe me,” Trudy says, “but you don’t have to blame yourself either, Kim. You did what you had to do.”

Kim shakes her head, tears pricking at her eyes. “I should’ve waited for backup.”

“Kim.” Trudy reaches out for Kim’s arm, gets her free hand instead. Waits until Kim’s watery gaze meets hers. “I wish like hell that I had been there with you, or that Ruzek and Halstead got there two minutes faster. I can’t change that, and neither can you. But what you _did_ do was save a young girl’s life. Yes, something tragic happened to you, and you have every right to grieve for that. But you are not to blame here.”

The tears fall freely then as Kim heaves silent sobs, her hand held tight in Trudy’s. She doesn’t believe her; the wound too gaping for forgiveness. “I was supposed to be a mom,” she whispers. “I ruined that.”

Trudy shakes her head. “You had an impossible choice, Kim. But this isn’t the end of the road, not permanently. You will heal from this, and when you’re ready, you can try again.”

The only answer Kim has is more tears, and she holds Trudy’s hand like a lifeline until they run out. In her head, the words echo: _you can try again._ When she’s ready to be a mom, this time. She finally drops Trudy’s hand to cradle the mug to her chest, an unspoken answer to Trudy’s offer. Wants to say a million things; settles on, “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it,” Trudy says, but it’s gentle. “Let’s get you home.”

Her apartment is still too quiet, but less suffocating. The mug, clutched in her hands the entire drive back, feels lighter, somehow. She places it in the cabinet beside the others, just another reason for Adam to say she has too many coffee mugs. Not a reason to be ashamed.

That night, she sleeps. In the morning, her body hurts a little less, her bruises are a little lighter, and when the daily dose of check-in messages come, the _I’m okay_ feels a little more like the truth.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic for chicago pd, so hello new fandom friends! this was pretty self-indulgent, because i need more of kim and trudy's friendship and kim deserves better.
> 
> kudos / comments are very appreciated <3


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